


it's you that i hold onto, that's what i do

by moonlightphan



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Derogatory Insults, Established Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Prostitution, Mentions of Rape, jackson is mentioned briefly, mentions of aaron's abuse too, mentions of sexual abuse, robert and aaron are whole parents too, the smallest mention of slutshaming, there's a lot of ppl mentioned thats why theres so many characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-21 19:21:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21287177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlightphan/pseuds/moonlightphan
Summary: Robert tells Aaron about what he went through in the nine years that he was away from Emmerdale.(aka the past rentboy robert fic that we and ryan deserved)
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	it's you that i hold onto, that's what i do

**Author's Note:**

> hi again!! i couldn't get this out my head after the last fic i wrote so i decided to put all my ideas for a rentboy robert fic into this lmao. it's very much just all the little hints emmerdale gave us and me connecting up all the dots - i decided to have it where robert is very much speaking about it in a future pov, bc in this robert is happily married and the dad of two w aaron (who's lee). so it's important to remember that seb is about 3 and a half, their daughter is a few months old, and liv is around 19-20 as this is set about two years in the future but without lee ever existing (my happy place tbh). 
> 
> the title is from 'sparks' by coldplay!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS!! pls pay attention to the subject matter, as the content is triggering to some - this has mentions of rape/non-consensual sex, grooming (ish), past-prostitution, mentions of gordon's abuse to aaron (and a scene where aaron has a nightmare about it), slutshaming (in the pub so it's not too bad), and derogatory words

Robert and Aaron are sat at the bar, it’s nearly time for them to get off, really. They came over to the pub at about 7, they’d both taken a walk around with Autumn - they found that she was a lot harder to get to sleep than Seb was when he was a baby. When she was a month or so old, they found that she liked the fresh air to calm her down; she preferred to be carried around, something about the contact with them helped to settle her. So that night, they’d taken her out just to get her to sleep. 

They’d been quite lucky in the ease of having her. They found a surrogate mother after a month or two of looking for one, she’d been perfect. Madison was only nineteen and needed to give her baby a home that she couldn’t give, she’d been having meaningless sex when she was figuring herself out after leaving school, and she adored Aaron and Robert after they met. She’d been understanding about both of their pasts, and meeting Liv and Seb helped her to see them for who they were now. Aaron and Robert actually kept in contact with Madison, and when she comes home for uni, she comes to see Autumn - she has more of an auntie role to her than anything else. 

Autumn’s sleeping was a whole other ball game. Seb had been quite easy to get to sleep, he had his moments of 3am tours of his toys, or attention-related tantrums, and bad dreams - but other than that, he’d get off to sleep quickly and when he did wake up, he just needed a cuddle to get back to sleep. Autumn would cry and scream and pick up on all the signals of stress from both of them, night walks helped her get off easier. Usually it would be one of them picking her up and walking around the garden, but on the times when Seb was with Rebecca, like tonight, they both would walk around the village with her to get her to sleep. 

Tonight they’d popped into the pub because Chas had rang to say she had one of Seb’s teddies that he’d left there last week that she found in Eve’s room. Autumn was asleep in the backroom, they’d borrowed Eve’s old Mose's basket. Now it was around 8, so they both wouldn’t be staying for much longer, the pub was getting quite loud so it was only a matter of time before Autumn would be getting stuffy on her own. 

Kerry was getting drunker, and kept snapping at Amy and Tracy so it was a guessing game until they start shouting. Kerry had found a lad online she wanted to talk to, and Amy had taken her phone as she was so drunk. 

“You’re just jealous lads still want me, you’re so uptight!”

“Mam, you can talk to whosever you like in the morning,” her daughter said, “I’m seeing Kyle so you can go off doing whatever you like.” 

Tracy laughed from across the bar, “You’re still this much of a state,” she sneers. They never really made up after Frank and the whole hospital problem. Nobody else knew, they just drew a line and all hated each other. 

“Oh bog off, you wet blanket.” 

“ _ Me _ bog off? Why don’t you find yourself some respect, eh?” Tracy quipped, Robert started to finish his pint while Aaron put his jacket on, going round to the back to get Autumn. 

Kerry looked over at him, clearly noticing them making a clear escape, “Am I making yous uncomfortable?”

Robert smiled, “Nah, just better be getting madam home.”

She had fallen asleep at 6 tonight, and woken up at 7, which was why they’d taken her out. She was only four months old, so getting her to sleep in the cot by their bed for most of the night is still a task. 

Chas kept an eye on Kerry, trying to think of if she’d be kicking her out anytime soon. 

“You’re drunk, if you didn’t notice, Kerry. You look enough like a slapper  _ without _ some man telling you it on a Thursday night,” Tracy sneered.

“Slapper?”

Priya coughed, “Okay, let’s not start with slutshaming.”

“ _ You’re _ calling  _ me _ a slapper?” Kerry started, and Robert and Chas both felt a rant brewing. Aaron came through, holding Autumn so her head was tucked into his neck, hoping that she’d stay asleep. “Everyone in here has just as much sex as I do! Robert’s right there, he might have settled down in the last bloody ten minutes but he can’t be fooling you.”

“Kerry,” Chas warned.

Aaron stared at the back of her head, walking over to Robert, who was holding another blanket to cover their daughter with. 

Kerry laughed, “What Chas? Are we pretending he’s a saint? He’s been far worse than me! He’s been with anything that moves - proper little  **tart** if he tried hard enough.”

“Leave it out Kerry, go pass out somewhere, will you?” Aaron snapped. 

“Aaron, let’s just get her home,” Robert’s face went cold. 

Chas straightened her back, “He’s been incredible, ta, so think it’s best Amy gets you home before I really have to kick you out.” 

. 

When they got back, Aaron went up to their room to put Autumn in her cot. Liv was at Jacob’s still, so she’d be back some time soon, she rang Robert to say it would be about half nine.

Rebecca was driving Seb over in the morning, so Robert got Seb’s box of toys out from the cupboard and put it by the couch. They saw a lot more of Seb now they’d worked out a proper plan, he visited them every weekend - Rebecca would drive him to theirs on Friday, and Aaron usually dropped him back on Sunday evening; and he lived with them every school holiday he had. 

Aaron came back down the stairs, “She’s still asleep,” he reports, putting the monitor on the table. 

Robert nodded, his mind still on Kerry’s words. 

“You know Kerry didn’t mean anything, don’t you?”

He blinked, staring over at the baby monitor.

Aaron moved closer to his husband, “Hey,” he smiles, “You know that. She’s just drunk and angry, you’re brilliant. Good husband, good dad.” 

Robert stayed quiet. 

.

“You’re really quiet,” Aaron says, Robert was usually quite close to him when they were in bed. Tonight, he was staying on his side, and not even touching him. “Are you sure you’re okay? You wanna talk?”

Robert shook his head, “I’m fine.”

. 

When Aaron wakes up, it’s to someone ringing the doorbell repeatedly, and Autumn is crying. He goes to pick Autumn up after putting on some jogging bottoms, she quietens down after the contact. He places her on the bed while he puts a t-shirt on, picking her back up to answer the door. 

“Hiya, sorry we’re early. He didn’t have playgroup today, so he’s all yours,” Rebecca says, strolling in. 

Aaron puts Autumn down in the Mose's basket as he sees Seb running in, “Daddy!” 

“Hi little man,” he says, going on his knees to hug his son, “No bother, Bex.”

“I did ring Robert, but he said he was already at work.”

“When did you ring?” Aaron questioned. 

Rebecca put Seb’s bag on the sofa, it just had Teddy in it, and the things he couldn’t sleep without - he had clothes and toys here anyway, “About six, I think, why?”

“Just wondered when Rob left is all,” he says, standing again while Seb went over to see Autumn. 

“He just said to drop him here, and you’d be in with the baby so,” she says, sitting at the sofa. 

Aaron looked over to Seb and Autumn, “Do you want a brew or anything?”

“No, I need to get off, just wanted a sneaky cuddle with Autumn, can I steal one?”

He laughs, “Yeah, go ahead, she’s just woken up so I was going to feed her,” as he says it, Seb gets excited. He really loved being a big brother already. He’s three and a half, so he’s very much going between loving having something to keep him entertained, but also wanting a lot of attention - that’s why Aaron loved Robert being around when both kids were home. He was capable of doing it himself, but he just was more assured with his husband at home. 

Rebecca picks the baby up, cradling her head in one hand, supporting her body in the rest, “Oh she's gorgeous, Aaron,” she smiles, “Aren’t you beautiful, sweetheart?”

Seb comes and sits by Aaron, picking up his colouring book, “Daddy, look!”

.

Victoria is running late for work, she luckily woke up on time, but Diane had called in and distracted her so she only had about three minutes to get to the pub before Marlon had her head. On her way, she passes the cemetery. She can see the top of her brother’s head. 

“Rob?” she calls to him. 

His head raises, “Hiya, he says, walking over to her. 

“You seeing Mum?”

“Yeah, thought I’d call over,” He says, seeming withdrawn, “I don’t know, took a break and just thought I’d take over some flowers.”

Victoria looked down at the time, she had a minute. “A break? It’s only nine, how long have you been at work? I thought Seb came over on Fridays?” 

“Yeah, I uh, Aaron’s home. Thought I’d get some work done, I came in at six.”

That stood out to her, he never started that early. Most of the time, he manages to keep to just starting at nine - since Autumn arrived, he liked to be around for her morning feed. He and Aaron took it in turns for which one stayed with her in the day, but it was out of routine for Robert to be working so early, especially when Seb was home. 

“Don’t you have work to be getting to?”

Vic looked to her feet and then back up at him, “Right, I’ll- I’ll see you later, Rob, okay? Call into the pub in a bit, I’ll get you some dinner. If you need a chat, you know where I am.”

. 

Aaron tries to ring Robert at dinnertime, both the kids were fed by then, but he still had no sign from Robert. 

He got sent to voicemail. 

“Rob, where are you? Are you alright, at least? Seb’s asking after you. Bex said she rang after you left this morning, but you know that. Autumn’s okay, she’s on a nap at the minute so call me, eh? I love you, see you in a bit.”

. 

At two, Aaron takes the kids for a walk. He figured Seb could let off some of all the energy he got from the car journey, and Autumn loved fresh air, so it was a win-win. They went to the park, Seb loved the swings at the minute. Last month, it was the slide that he preferred but he liked trying to jump off the swings on his own to see how he could land.

He gets a phone call once he gets Seb up on the swing. 

“Hello?”

“Hiya,” Vic replies, “Just a quick one, I’m at work still.” 

“Oh, you alright?”

Aaron takes a step away from Seb, keeping his eyes on both the kids from the step away. 

He can hear her taking a breath, “Yeah, has Robert seen you yet?”

“Yet?”

“Yeah, I saw him on my way to work, he was seeing Mum. Said he’d gone to work at six.”

Aaron kicked a stone from the grass, “Yeah, he did. Hasn’t been home or rung me or owt. Did he say anything?”

“No, I wondered if anything had happened? Did yous fall out?”

Seb started to be fussy in the swing, wanting his dad’s attention, so Aaron went back over, stroking over his hair, “No, not at all, really. He was right quiet last night, we went to the pub when we were trying to get Autumn to sleep again, and Kerry gave him an earful but nowt he hadn’t heard before. I’m with Seb and Autumn at the park, so I can’t really chase him up.”

“Hm, he’ll come home later,” she says, “Maybe he’s just in a funny mood. I told him to come in for some food, but he hasn’t shown up.” 

“I’ll let you know if I hear anything, okay?”

“Yeah, see you later.”

. 

That night, Robert finally came home. He goes upstairs, knowing it was about time that they’d be putting Autumn to bed. She would usually be asleep by now, but usually they’d stay with her for an hour. 

“Where the hell have you been?” Aaron whispers.

“I’m sorry,” he says, coming over to Autumn’s cot, seeing her fast asleep. “She okay?”

Aaron nods. 

. 

Robert wakes up that night to Aaron’s murmuring. At first he thinks it’s Autumn, but she’s still fast asleep. He figures it’s the middle of the night, as it’s still dark out, only a dim morning light coming from the curtains. 

Aaron’s head is shaking, his brows furrowed, muttering words Robert tried to decipher in his sleep-hazy mind.

“No, no-” He groans, “No, stop!”

Robert places his hand on his husband’s shoulder, “Hey, hey, shh,” he whispers. He knew it was a nightmare. Aaron hadn’t had nightmares in a while, he got them usually around stressful events, it made him go back to thinking about the court case or the times he was most scared. Back to his childhood bedroom with Spiderman quilt covers that he hid under. Back to anything that made him feel weak. 

“No!”

“Shh, shh, I’ve got you,” Robert shakes his arm. 

Aaron gasps a breath when he wakes.

“Rob?”

Robert smiles, “I’m here, it’s okay.”

Aaron crashes into his chest, feeling safe again. Robert rests so his mouth can press kisses to Aaron's hairline, his hand brushing through his husband’s hair. He knew playing with his hair always calmed him down. 

“It’s alright.”

.

The next morning, Robert lets Aaron sleep in, he takes Autumn downstairs when she wakes up. Seb wakes at about the same time, so he feeds Autumn with him, letting Seb tip the bottle to her mouth while she lays in Robert’s arms. 

Liv comes downstairs an hour later, by that time Seb is busy with a toy and Robert sits with him while he eagerly tells him all about it, “Where’s Aaron?” she asks, putting the kettle on. 

“Still asleep.”

“What was the noise last night?”

Robert got up and went into the kitchen where Liv was, “He had a nightmare about Gordon.”

“He alright?”

“Yeah, he was fine,” Robert says, taking the brew that Liv passes to him, “'Slept fine after that, I just wanted him to have a sleep-in after I disappeared yesterday.” 

“Where were you?”

“Nowhere, just work and went to see my mum.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone, then?”

Robert shrugged, “Don’t know, I just. I really just needed to get away for a sec. I’m fine now, though.”

Liv nods, and she hears Aaron coming downstairs. 

“Hiya sleeping beauty,” she greets. 

Aaron nods, kissing Seb’s head as he sits on the sofa by him. 

“Daddy look car,” he gives Aaron the car in his hands. 

Robert sits next to him, putting a cup of tea down on the table for him, and kisses his shoulder, “You okay?”

“I’m good.”

“Autumn’s with Vic, she said she wanted to take her out for an hour. I was thinking about taking Seb for a walk in the woods, he’s been going on about climbing the trees, haven’t you, mate?”

Seb nods excitably.

“You wanna come?”

“I actually was gonna call in to see me mum,” he says, “How 'bout you take Seb out, and I’ll go by the pub. See you there for dinner, Seb can have some chips.”

Robert nods, “Let’s get your shoes on then, little man,” he says, and kisses Aaron’s cheek, “I’ll see you in a bit.” 

. 

Seb’s hanging off of his dad’s hand, they’re on their way back to the car park after their walk.

“Mummy bought colour book,” Seb babbled.

“Wow, really? A new one for you?” He asks, and Seb nodded along, walking steadily next to him. His legs were starting to ache, and he was getting tired. “Was it another animal one?”

“Zoo!”

“A zoo animals one, does it haaave tigers?” Seb hummed. 

While talking to his son, he notices a younger girl walking on her own through the car park. He sees a red car driving past her, whistling and calling out to her, and she seems to speed up. The car pulls into the space next to Robert’s car, so he straps Seb into his car seat, and when he turns, he sees that the girl was running out the car park now. 

He overhears the boys in the car talking about her, and their plans to follow her, so Robert catches one of the boys’ arm before the car door closes, “Hey, leave her alone, eh?”

“You what?”

"You heard."

"Say it again eh? Chris here's got shite ears, haven't ya?" One of the other boys nods, a smirk curling his lips.

Robert closes Seb's door,“That girl, she didn’t seem to be into you lot. She’s running home by the looks of it, go on home, yeah?” 

One of the boys sneers at him, “Who are you, her keeper?”

“Nah, just on me way, lads. Leave her alone.”

“Alright  **princess** , you get your sprog home and we’ll be on our way.”

The name echoes in his mind. 

. 

On the way to the pub, Seb started to complain about his aching legs, which resulted in Robert needing to call Aaron that they’d have to skip the pub. 

“Hiya,” Aaron answered. 

“Hey, it’s just me,” Robert replied, the phone is connected to Bluetooth in the car, the hands-free phone was easiest to have, especially when he’s with the kids, “Seb’s really worn out, is it okay to go straight home instead?”

Aaron paused, “Uh, yeah, is he alright?”

“You’re alright, aren’t you bubs?” Robert asks, trying to get Seb to talk “Daddy Aaron’s on the phone.”

“Legs hurt Daddy.”

Aaron made a grumbling noise, “That’s too bad, bud, why don’t I run you a bath for when you get home, huh? We can watch a film or something after.”

“You sure?” Robert asked, he wanted to look after Aaron today, like he always did after a nightmare, so he hated cancelling the pub lunch. 

“Yeah. Family film night sounds even better than Marlon’s chips, I’ll see you at home. I’ll get his bath on.”

. 

The night went well, a film and a half in, Seb was fast asleep - Autumn was in the Mose’s basket, she fell asleep after half a film. She woke up after an hour for some milk but seems to be out for the taking now. 

Aaron was laid with his head on Robert’s chest, with Seb asleep in Aaron’s lap, blankets and duvets covering each of them. The Mose’s basket was to the right of the couch, so it was quiet in the house. 

“You okay?” Robert said, his voice soft and gentle, “'Been a bit quiet.”

“So have you, where are you at?” 

Robert knew he meant where was his head, he forgets how attuned Aaron is to him as he was so used to being alone before him. He always had people, only really being alone for a year or two, but nobody knew him like Aaron. Even after all these years together, he isn’t used to that feeling of being  _ known _ , and honestly he doesn’t ever want to take it for granted so he’d glad for it. “I’m here, I promise,” he says.

“Did you tell Liv about last night?” Aaron felt a bit insecure about his dream, he knew Robert understood him and why he got them - he knew Robert could probably tell him why they came up from time to time, even better than Aaron himself - but he got scared at the thought of others knowing about them, even Liv. 

Robert put a hand through his husband’s hair, “She asked what the noise was, so I mentioned it, didn’t tell her anything more - like normal.”

Aaron nodded, “I love you, you know.”

“I know,” Robert kissed his forehead, and stroking his cheek with his index finger. “I’m going to take Seb up, and I’ll come back for Autumn to get her settled in the cot. Find something on telly for us, yeah? Make a brew if I’m too long.”

With that, he picked Seb up, taking his blanket and Teddy with him, climbing the stairs. He heard the door closing as he went, knowing Liv was finally back. She worked in a shop in Hotten most days, a little art supplies place that she used to go to a lot in college, and she took a night class at the community centre where she was learning sign language on Saturdays. She’d met a girl who was deaf, and she took those classes to talk to her better. 

After settling Seb again, he returned back, stopping at the top of the stairs for a moment. There was a photo frame on the wall there, there was a photo of Aaron and Autumn when they first brought her home, and a photo of Aaron, Robert, Liv and Seb from when he was a baby and they took him to the zoo - he must of only been six months old. Paddy had given it to Aaron for his birthday, and Robert had laughed at the odd pair of photos, but now he understood. 

As he was thinking, he overheard Liv and Aaron talking, “I’m glad he tries, though,” Liv says. “About Gordon, I know he pops up from time to time for you. And I hate that, but at least Rob tries. He won’t ever get it proper, but he’s there at least. He can’t understand, but trying… and he won’t ever not try, he won’t give up, and that’s good enough.”

_ Tart.  _

_ Princess.  _

_ He won't ever get it. _

. 

After Liv and Autumn were in bed, Robert settled on the couch with Aaron again. 

“I don’t want Seb or Autumn to know,” Aaron whispers.

Robert furrowed his brow, “You what?”

“About Gordon. I really don’t want them to know what happened.  _ Ever _ . I want their dad to be their dad, just normal and not them skipping conversations because they don’t want to bring stuff up. I don’t want them to ever be scared to talk about relationships or sex with us, you know? And I don’t want either of them to be scared to say if something happens to either of them because they know he... did that to me. I don’t want them to be scared of me one-upping them with that.”

Aaron was looking at his hands that were fiddling with the blanket. Robert notices, and takes his hands, “They don’t think like that. If one of them is hurt, or if they’re taken advantage of, they won’t think that their dad wouldn’t listen. Because they’ll never think they aren’t loved, yeah? If Autumn gets catcalled or anything, she’ll come to us, because she won’t be scared. And if someone ever says anything to Seb, hurts him, he’ll come straight to us - because he’ll trust us. You’re a brilliant dad, you’re amazing, your kids will know that.” 

Aaron nods.

“If you don’t want them to know, they won’t. It’s your call. But don’t worry about that stuff, they’re both tiny. By the time they understand stuff like that, they’ll already love you too much to bat an eye.”

Aaron cups his husband’s face with his palm, and kisses his nose, and Robert smiles.

“Can I ask you something?” 

Robert puts his hand over Aaron’s, which were still on his own face, “Anything in the world.” 

“Why did you go off yesterday? What happened?”

Robert tensed under Aaron’s touch. 

“Where are you at?” That was something Robert used to say to him. When he used to go to his counselling, when he would come home, sometimes he would be quiet. Typically, he just wanted a bit of recollection after a session, and Robert would do something when he got home to help him with that - ran him a bath; cooked his favourite meal; sometimes he would just stick a film on with the duvet on the couch, ready for him; even just buying some of his favourite chocolate. He would always ask at the end of the night  _ where are you at? _ . It always meant if his mind was _there_ with him, or if he was still thinking about the session. 

He didn’t  _ know _ where he was at, but he knew he couldn’t hide that either. 

. 

Aaron made them both a brew, sensing that Robert needed to talk. They put the duvet and blanket on the table, and sat next to each other on the sofa.

“Rob?”

“I think I need to tell you something,” he says. 

Aaron takes a breath, and holds Robert’s hand, massaging his knuckles, “Alright. Hey,” he says, making the other look at him, “It’s just me, babe. It’ll be fine.” They rarely used words like babe, the terms of endearment. Most of the time, they both laughed at the couples who did, but in the times like this - they used them so they could feel closer and safer than before.

“Yeah, it will be,” Robert takes the time to make the shake leave his voice, “It’s about uh, the time _before_ I knew you. I promise I wasn't keeping anything from you, I just didn't want to think about it, I don't really let myself remember most of the time. Anyways, uh, you know my dad sent me away, and then I came back with Chrissie.”

Aaron nods along, “Yeah, it was like nine years, wasn’t it?”

“Overall, yeah, I came back the day of me dad’s funeral, but I didn’t make it inside, and then I went off again,” He said, “When he sent me away, all I really had was a few t-shirts, pair of jeans, no money. The stuff that was in the car, really. He just sent me on my way, and told me to never come back. Said I was a lunatic an’ all.”

Aaron continued to hold his hand, and held it to his lips.

“I drove and drove for the first few days. The only money I had, I used on petrol. I slept on the sides of country roads in my car, I’d sleep from midnight until 4 or 5 usually, I didn’t want to risk getting caught. It’s not against the law, but I didn’t want anyone to try anything - all I had was the car and I wasn’t the strongest - I was nineteen. I could hold my own in a fight but half-asleep, probably not. And I was scared, you know? I was just a kid.”

Aaron held back any words he held for Jack, he knew it wouldn’t help Robert. 

Robert let out another breath, “I ended up down south for a bit, near Bournemouth. I worked in a garage. Got a cheap little flat, and it was okay - lonely, mind, but I was getting by. It was easy enough, but I lost that job after a year. It went bust, so I drove off again. This time I ended up near Nottingham. I was living off next to nowt, really. Sleeping in my car, I went into some shelters when I was too hungry, sometimes I’d just get crackers and live off those, loaf of bread. Anything to just fill my stomach.”

Thinking of Robert on his own and going hungry made Aaron's stomach turn, he hated the thought of it. When he left Gordon’s, even if he didn’t like it, he knew the Dingles would have to take him in, at least.

“That garage went broke in October, so it was freezing all the time: I was ill a lot. I drove to Sheffield then, I didn’t want to get too close to home, so I always made sure to be at least an hour away. I worked there for a bit, in a warehouse, just to get some money together for petrol. I drove down to a place just outside London, then.”

Aaron felt Robert’s body tensing, so he knew it was getting to the bad point in the recollection. 

Robert swallowed, “Some lads there watched me for a few days, I think. I used to use a public bog, and parked around the corner, and then I’d drive to a rundown hotel, they used to give me the breakfasts that didn’t get eaten. I told them it was because I had a kid, and I couldn’t afford much food other than dinners for them. The lads knew that routine, and one day they jumped me, nicked my keys and the car. I tried to fight them off, but there was about five of them, bigger and stronger than me. So I was done for at that point.”

Aaron kissed Robert’s hands, which helped, Robert was grounded and continued easier than before. 

“I wandered around all night, I didn’t want to stop anywhere because I was so cold and scared. I went about two days without sleep, and then I slept on a bench for a few hours the next night. Eventually I found an old walkway nobody used, it was behind a church and by some woods, I figured if anyone caught me I could just run through those. This man found me there one night, and asked what I was doing.” 

The hairs on Aaron's arms lifted, and he tried not to think the worst. He began to try and guess what the main topic of this was, so he could prepare himself to respond, he really had no idea what his husband had gone through when he left the village, which was beginning to scare him. 

He cleared his throat as Robert continued, “I quickly just told him I had nowhere to go,” Aaron kept rubbing Robert’s hands, “He called me _pretty boy_, and said I must have _someone_ willing to take me to a warm bed.” 

Aaron felt sick. 

“I said I didn’t, and he told me that he knew a lot of people who might. He took me back to his flat, and I met three other boys who looked as bad as me. Thin as anything, they barely looked at me when I walked in. The bloke introduced me, saying they were kipping with him that night, but that he had helped them like he wanted to help me. Then he let me sleep in a spare room - there was a duvet on the floor for me to sleep on, and a blanket. He said he would talk to me in the morning, and that I could sleep here. Gave me some water and a piece of toast too.”

“Robert,” Aaron interrupted.

He shook his head, “Just let me tell you, yeah?”

So Aaron went quiet, his mind going in overdrive.

“He found me the next morning, gave me another bit of toast and a brew. He explained that the boys I saw yesterday had gone and it was just me and him. Said his name was Mark, and he wasn’t going to keep me here or anything if I didn’t want to, but he had a job if I wanted it. He said that he knew a lot of people that would like me, and for a bit of my time, and some more, they would pay me. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what he meant, but I couldn’t think of anything other than the fact I needed money. So I said I’d do it.”

Tears formed in Aarons eyes, and Robert kissed his forehead, silently asking if it was too much for Aaron's to listen to.

His thumb brushed underneath Aaron’s eye, and across his cheek, carrying on when he saw a nod from Aaron, “It was mainly blokes, married ones I think. They uh, were usually about 40, my oldest was 60-something. At the start, I’m pretty sure Mark would tell them I would just sit with them, eat with them. Just spending time with people, really.”

“It didn’t stay like that, did it?”

“It did for a few weeks. I saw about two people a day, most of the time I had one day with just the one person. It was alright, I made money quite easy. Gave me a tenner just to sit with them, fifteen to eat with them. One woman just wanted me to pretend I was her grandson, it was kind of sad. Then, they just gradually wanted more from me. Kisses at the start, then a snog turned into more,” Robert looked at his hands. 

Aaron put his thumb over Robert’s wedding ring, partly to remind himself that his husband was safe now, but it didn’t make it easier to hear.

“Tell me to stop if you need to, yeah?” Aaron nodded, “I didn’t want to. It was obvious, I squirmed away. At that point, men reminded me of Stephen, that farmhand my dad had leathered me over. It just made me feel dirty. After that, Mark sent the stronger blokes to me as well, and I used to beg them not to. But they did, sometimes over and over while I cried - they didn’t seem to mind.” Robert's voice was quivering now, and he could tell he wouldn't get through the night without crying.

A tear fell from Aaron’s cheek.

Robert smiled sadly, “I had somewhere to sleep at least. After a while, I stopped crying and just took it. The women I met with would just usually want me to do things to them, so I had more control which I preferred. The blokes would just turn me over, rarely ever helped me through it, got me ready or anything.”

Aaron kept thinking about the times he thought Robert never understood the idea of his body feeling like a cage.

“I got called stuff a lot by them. They’d pay extra to be able to mishandle me, call me anything, treat me like meat. It was fifty for all of that, thirty for sex where they had to treat me alright. Tart was the main one they'd call me.”

Kerry’s voice echoed in Aaron’s ears, “That’s why you disappeared.”

“Yeah. When I took Seb out earlier, these lads were chasing up this girl, and I told them to stop - they called me _princess_. That was another big one they used to call me. Pretty boy, too. Slut, as well.”

Aaron was silent for a moment, and Robert worried that it was getting too much, that _he_ was too much. 

He continued, “I did that for three years, and then I heard my dad had died. One of the other lads was from Leeds and he’d found a proper job - he cooked in this restaurant that Dad sold meat to from the farm. He’d mentioned it to me, he used to pick me up and take me back to Mark after some nights. I used to ring him after the really bad nights. Anyway, I told him that it was my dad - he promised me he wouldn’t tell Dad he knew his son.”

Aaron put his hand in Robert’s hair, tucking some behind his ear, and Robert felt a sigh escape his lips, knowing Aaron was still there. 

“He said that Dad had died one day, and told me when the funeral was. I had money in the bank from doing it for so long, and I told Mark I was leaving. He didn’t want me to go, and he gave me the roughest blokes for my last week. It was really bad, they’d suffocate me, slapped me stupid. I’d pass out after. But I went out and bought some secondhand motor from some guy on the street, it was decent enough to get me back home. I got there in time, but I couldn't get myself to go into the funeral and I left again. I drove to London this time.”

Robert loved Aaron, he loved how he knew when to comfort him; when to touch him; when to respond; when to be quiet and let him talk. 

“I didn’t want to go back to Mark, I hated myself. I felt dirty everyday. Like I was used-up. I went about half an hour away from where I was last time, I just slept in my car again, and it worked out okay for a while. Mark ended up tracking me back down, he said he was scared something would happen to me but I knew it was just because I brought him money in. He set me up with people in London this time.” Robert scoffed, knowing how badly he taken advantage of, now he was older. 

Aaron could sense that Robert knew that this part of his life was something he understood wasn’t his fault, and he was so happy he didn't feel so dirty still.

“It was pretty much only richer men, the business blokes who had been married who knows how long and wanted sex. They were really rough with me, I was just a body to them , you know,” Robert sniffed, trying to remain emotionless as he spoke, he was good at avoiding emotions - he was well versed in it - but that was the past, and this is Aaron, “They’d hurt me a lot worse than before. Held me down, covered my mouth if I screamed, they just didn’t care.”

Aaron brushed the tears from his husband’s cheeks.

Robert held his hand, “I mainly slept in my car, but once Mark introduced me to a new lad he’d picked up. He looked about my age when I started, maybe 20 at a push, he’d been beaten up. I reckon Mark played the hero from that angle with him. You remember Connor?”

“That lad that was sniffing about Home Farm back when Lawrence-”

“Yeah, that was Connor, he started that night. He stayed in my car with me. We were mates after that, if he got a really bad guy, I’d take it instead of him. I liked looking after him, gave me something to worry about,” Robert chuckled, “He made me think of the life I could have if I left. He was proper smart. He could do anything he wanted, but he stayed with this shit. He said his mum had died, and his dad chucked him out - came out to them or something.”

Aaron’s eyes widened, “God.”

“Yeah, back then I just cut off anything about what I got attracted to. I was just a body, made money easier that way, I guess. A few months later, I started getting this one guy that was into the stuff I had when I started. He wanted me to sit and have a meal with him every fortnight. He wouldn’t talk too much at the start, but after a bit he talked to me about his work. Didn’t ask much about me, where I was from, my name.”

Silently, Aaron wondered to himself what was so important about this one bloke.

“It was Lawrence. I spoke to him about Dad’s farm, I knew about tractors, and Lawrence's company was agricultural machinery. I wormed my way in, and he gave me a job. I was so happy to have it, and it got me the hell out of there. He moved me into a flat. He was very clearly hiding me from the company, he didn’t want anyone to know about who I was. He paid for it all, and then he gave me money to forget about_ this part_ of my life. Said he’d promote me and I’d be a proper employee if I never told anyone where I’d been found, so I took it.”

Aaron was shocked, he knew that Lawrence was gay and always knew it deep down. He never imagined him being comfortable enough to get a rentboy, though.

“I finally got rid of Mark for good. Connor was really mad at me for leaving, he didn’t have anyone to look out for him anymore. He came to see me at the flat after a few months, and he tried it on with me. I kissed him, and it freaked me out so I sent him away. I called him to say sorry and we were alright after that. We only talked if he needed something, and then eventually when I hired him for Lawrence,” Robert’s voice quavered. “I don’t know, it was like I forgot that I could be someone who was into people.”

Aaron understood, “Like, you could be someone who was loved by someone else right? Not just some body?”

“Exactly,” Robert started, “This stuff made me forget what _sex_ was. Before I left home, I liked sex, you know? I liked sleeping with people, it was fun. I just burned out the memory of being attracted to a lad after that. I went into the straight idea of me, and eventually I met Chrissie and just went headfirst into that. It took a year for us to be real, you know?”

His husband nods at him.

“I just tried to be the son my dad wanted. I wanted him to be proud.” 

After that, Robert went quiet, so Aaron wondered if he'd finished - or if he was waiting for a response from Aaron.  He decided to ask a question to keep him talking about it, “Why did you go to see your mum yesterday?” 

Robert pauses before answering, “I used to dream of my mum when I was going through it all, used to beg for her to hear me and I was sorry her son was doing it at all. She never wanted that for me, I went to see her yesterday because it was all back in my head and I wanted to apologise again. I never let myself think of my dad. Ever. I started thinking of him when I was a _proper man_, with a job and a good woman, the son he wanted.” 

Aaron rubbed his husband’s back, fiddling with the hair at the nape of his nape.

“I started liking sex again,” Robert said, crying finally. “I just always felt wrong before that. Dirty.” He could feel the tears rushing down his cheeks, but somehow he still felt so comfortable with Aaron next to him. He reached out his hand to hold onto Aaron instinctively, he didn't even realise he did it until he felt Aaron's hold on him. 

Aaron let Robert crash onto his chest, and he pressed kisses into his hair, “I’ve got you now, yeah?” Aaron whispered reassurances into his hairline, “You’re safe, and so so so good. You’re amazing, you always have been.”

. 

After calming down, Aaron let Robert rest his head on his lap, and Aaron’s fingers tangled in his hair. 

“I always liked sex after that. I remembered I’d always liked it really, I lost it for them years, but sex for me was something I always liked. I was good at it,” Robert spoke aloud, “Affairs made sense because of it. The more, the better, right? I slept with Rebecca first, she was the first time I cheated on Chrissie.” he admitted. 

“She was the first?”

“Yeah, I flirted before but the first physical _time_, yeah,” Robert began, “It was a thing where I slept with her at parties, and it just was occasional - never a full _affair_. That was my rule, just a few times with each person, never anything more.”

Aaron stayed quiet for a moment, not realising Robert hadn’t done affairs before him.

Robert brought Aaron’s hand down to his neck, “You were my first. You made sex about more, I couldn’t stay away from you. You made it love, you made me love.”

A smile crept its way onto Aaron's face, and he kissed his husband’s forehead, “I’m glad I did.”

.

In bed that night, Robert curled into Aaron, letting himself be small and protected. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Aaron said. “I know it must have been so hard.”

Robert nodded, “I tried to forget about it, I just didn’t want to hide anything about me from you.”

“I’m sorry for all those times I said you never understood about Gordon, I’m sorry for always talking to you about it when you went through it too.”

“I’m not, I’m so glad you opened up about it and got him put away. I’ll never stop being proud of you.”

“Ditto.”

A laugh escaped Robert, and he kissed his husband’s chest, putting his hands flat against it, “You make it easy, you know?”

“To what?”

“You’re easy to love.”

“I am?”

Robert makes an a hum, “You’re my best friend, he admits.

“You’re mine too.”

. 

Aaron wakes up to Autumn crying, and Seb climbing into bed with him and Robert. 

He picks up Autumn and lays her on Robert’s chest, “Morning bubs,” he whispers to her and Seb. 

“Wake Daddy?” Seb asks, wanting to wake Robert.

Aaron strokes his daughter’s temple while she quietens, “Not yet, bub, he’s still tired. Do you want to make some breakfast with me? He’ll wake up soon.”

Seb nods excitedly, and jumps down from the bed. 

Aaron kisses Robert’s forehead, and puts Autumn back in her cot, she’ll need feeding in half an hour so he decides to let her sleep until her milk is ready. 

. 

Robert comes downstairs after breakfast is made. 

“Morning.”

“Daddy!” 

“Hiya bubs, did Daddy Aaron make you pancakes?” Robert asks, kissing his son’s head to avoid the chocolate spread smeared across his cheeks.

“Yeah!”

Autumn is in Robert’s arms, and she squirms, with what he assumes is hunger. He changed her when he woke up, so he hopes milk will settle her. Aaron places a warm bottle in his hand, and Robert kisses the corner of his mouth.

“I was thinking,” Aaron said. 

Robert smiles as he puts the bottle to his daughter’s lips, “Dangerous.”

“Cheeky git,” Aaron quips, “I was thinking, we _both_ could go see your mum.”

“What about these two?”

Aaron sat down, and took a baby wipe to Seb’s face, “I rang mum, she said she’d love to see them for an hour.”

Robert nods, “Okay.”

.

Robert and Aaron walk hand-in-hand to Sarah’s grave. 

“You know, I was thinking as well,” Robert says. 

“Which is more dangerous?”

“Shut up,” Robert laughs, “What you said about not wanting them to know about…”

Aaron nods, smile dropping from his face.

Robert swings their hands, “I get it. But I don’t want you to say that because you're scared they’ll see you as weak.”

Aaron stays quiet, “I want to be able to be their protector.”

“And you are. They know that, even now. I don’t want them to know about me because I don’t want them to be scared of the world. I want them to know the world can be good. That includes a world where their dad believes in them. Believes they can love him and feel safe with him, even with knowing how hurt he was. Can you do that?”

“I can.” 

Robert’s mouth curls, “Good.”

“Right, so you need to talk to your mum. You tell her whatever it is you need to tell her, not thinking about me or Liv or the kids. Thinking about just you, not worrying about anything other than you. I’m going to pop over to see Jackson, come get me when you’re ready, yeah?”

Robert kisses his husband, who was so brilliant, and who really got him. 

. 

He looked at his mum’s grave, seeing a sight he longed for when he was away. He missed her. He missed the way she looked after him, and he longed for her when his father fogged his vision of what a parent was. When Seb was born, he was scared of not being a good enough dad for him. He was terrified that he wouldn’t be the dad that Jack had mapped out his son to be one day. Being with Aaron these years taught him that he was _better_ than his own father. 

He looked at his mum’s grave, and he doesn’t apologise for what he went through, like he used to so while staring at the front door of each person he had to give himself to. 

He looked at his mum’s grave, and he says, “Hi mum. I think I’m finally where I need to be. I hope you’re proud of me for that, too. I hope that’s all you wanted for me, and I’ll let you rest easy now. I won’t bug you with apologies you don’t need. I’ll bug you with flowers more often, I reckon. But that’s about it.”

Robert eye’s go over to Aaron, who’s patting his hand against Jackson’s grave. He walks over to him, and holds onto Aaron’s hand.

“Ready to go home?”

Robert nods.

** _fin._ **

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed this! leave kudos and a comment if you'd like to :) if i missed any trigger warnings that you can think of - drop it in a comment and i'll add it!
> 
> also!! i feel obligated in this to tell u that autumn is still very much a dingle so her name is autumn eden sugden-dingle to keep within the Bible Theme of the dingles lmao
> 
> bye!


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